Sunday, 23 March 2014

You cannot have me

"You are a bad cook", "You hair looks better dark", "I do not like your fringe", "You are not very creative", "you are overweight"..... the "constructive" criticism from those close to you, and sometimes those that are not even close can be very damaging. After 30 years of listening how I should be doing things, what I am doing wrong, what I am good at, what I am not good at----- I have created a full body mask of Tamsyn. A fake face, a person that will appease everyone and fall into the box they want me to.

Somehow I got convinced that I was a crazy cat lady.. and that loving my kittens so passionately was crazy. I also got convinced that having kids would be a nightmare- that I did not want kids.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl- I was born to be a mother- How could I lie to myself about this? And yes I also was convinced that a wedding is silly- who needs a big white dress and a beautiful day dedicated to them. Who needs a special day to celebrate their love.

Me. Me the "crazy cat lady".

And so, after a "aha" moment I have decided to cut out the noise from those around me. To listen to feedback with an open heart but to NEVER let it define me. To make my own decisions.

"Yellow is not your colour". I was told this for years so I never even looked at any item of clothing remotely yellow.. well you know what.. I actually think yellow thinks amazing on me and I shall wear it with flare. "You are not a very good cook". Really? I lived with a beautiful friend of mine for a year and I was the house chef- they raved about my cooking. Why now have a developed an immense fear of even cutting cucumber in the kitchen. The word kitchen fills me with anxiety. But actually, I am a good cook- And I will cook.

I feel deeply disappointed in myself that I have let so many people's ideas about who I am, actually define me. What do they really know about me? About my abilities and strengths.

So from today, I make a vow to myself, to be true to me. I started off the day cutting my fringe (yes with a kitchen scissors and a little skew but looks good if you ask me.. I feel happy).

People spend so much time trying to morph those they love into what they want. How silly is that? Why would you be with someone, or be friends with someone- if you just wanted to create your own image of them. Love them for exactly as they are, or don't love them.. but never try to transform a person into what you want.

I am freaking fabulously amazing and I choose to embrace that. I love my crystals, I love my incense (and do not tell me to not light it), I love painting my nails a different colour every day, I love wearing things that are fashionable but have my own flare to them, I love rain, I love fancy hotels (I do not want to rough it, I do not want to stay in 3 star places), I love nice things. I do believe when people come for dinner there should be flowers on the table and a beautiful laid out table. I think that people should take pride in what they look like (not to the point that it consumes them)- but to the point that you show respect of the body that Gd has blessed you with. Let it be beautiful. Yes, I am chubby sexy but I think its gorgeous- and yes I would love to shed those extra 10 kilos.. and yes I will.. but I will do it when I am ready. Do not tell me what to eat, or that I need to do exercise. Maybe spend more time judging yourself then me and everyone else. Look at you, not me. And I love animals with a passion- I believe they have deep souls and I believe that my kittens are connected to my heart. I can see auras, I can sense energy, I have a strong intuition and I believe in magic.

I choose to live in my world. In my world I  never see ugly people, I do not jump to conclusions and judge people. I open my heart to everyone, and yes many times I get hurt. And yes sometimes my judgement is not amazing.. but its my world and I would far rather be like that then in a world where I only see bad in everyone else. Dont judge, love.

Embrace yourself. never let anyone else tell you who you should be. I did, and I almost lost myself. But I am back, and here to stay.

With love and light always