Monday, 30 December 2013

Now is right on time.

30th of December 2014. I am not sure how this date crept up on me. A year ago, had you have asked me if I would be where I am right now.. I never would have thought here, now.

A year ago I was head strong beyond any compromise. I knew exactly where I was going in my life, planned from every second to second- day to day. I knew the date I would get married on. I knew the dress I would wear.
Did it matter who it was to? Or that perhaps other people would come into my life with their own plans? I did not really think about that.

I knew my career path... I was going to write a book, I was going to make the world a better place. I was going to heal people. Spread love, spread beauty.

I was going to be head strong and unstoppable.
I knew all these things.

And then people come into my life with their own plans, their own ideas.. their own schedules.. or lack thereof. Then things happened out of my control and that head strong force to be reckoned with young lady faded into the background of other events. My dream to heal others, become a dream to just heal myself. My dream to write my book to inspire, turned into me trying desperately to inspire myself.

I have seen many dark sad things happen in my life, sadly watched many loved ones die-- some peacefully and some not peacefully. I have seen pain, heartache.. disaster, poverty. I have seen people hurt each other and destroy each other. My dream was just to make a little difference- or  HUGE one. To help people heal as I had healed myself so many times.

And this time, today, I am back to healing me. Something just shifted inside of me this year... a strength fell away... a confidence faded. And I did not accomplish the things I dreamt of. But the lesson? The lesson- start with yourself. How can I heal anyone if I myself am a broken shell right now?  Impossible.

As I look into 2014, with a little bit of sadness, a little bit of fear--- but mostly hope. Because now is always the right time. Today is today. And I do not have plans yet for 2014, or even for new years eve? No plans! Yes me!

I read something really beautiful "Your journey has molded you for the greater good and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you have lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And the now is on time".

With faith and hope in this moment, I wish you all a blessed 2014... Magic everywhere around you, kisses from someone you loves you from their heart, endless hugs. I wish you all to have someone in your life that listens to you, that hears you. I wish for you all to have someone that 'gets' you. And may dreams come true. And I wish myself all those very same things.

With love and light, always

Monday, 23 December 2013

It's my sparkle and you can't have it

The past few weeks have been a little dark and lacking their usual shine. You know when everything feels dull and miserable. Even the flowers in my garden had all died. And then, as hard as I looked I could not find my sparkle. I like my sparkle. It felt like this dark cloud was following me everywhere and nothing I did made it go away. What happens when you cannot find your sparkle? Well getting up in the morning feels like an effort, making small talk is torture, smiling is hard, you find it hard to get excited about anything and you just feel blah. You look in the mirror and your reflection is not really you. 

And then I woke up this morning and the flowers in my garden had grown back. I felt a tiny bit of my sparkle calling out. The flowers have come back! There is hope. The dishes in the sink I was dreading to clean and been cleaned by Peri (turns out I did actually clean it myself but didn't remember).. another thing that happens when you don't have your sparkle- you forget things. 

But still, the flowers were there. And there was a feeling of hope inside of me- that usual feeling that I can march on and do almost anything... coming back slowly... and I guess yes, it will take time for it to come back completely. 

I came to thinking, can you permanently lose your sparkle? Can someone, something or some occurrence steal it from you- and never give it back?

Can you have a dark cloud lingering over you always. Yes I have met people who seem to, but I don't believe it can ever be lost. 

You need to work on keeping it. Work on being positive and happy... And sometimes it feels impossible.

I've felt it. The past week the dread of getting out of bed, the dread of working, of making small talk- of smiling. The loss of hope that things will shine again. Scared that my sparkle was really gone forever and dulled by the darkness surrounding me. 

But a flower re-blooms... And wounds heal... And you call your sparkle back. Light your incense or candles, or put on your special music, dance alone with no inhibition. Pray, meditate- we all have different ways of connecting with our inner sparkle.. But never let it go. And never let someone else be responsible for dulling it. Never.

I've learnt that. I guess the hard way, or the easy way because I learnt it. Another human cannot stand in your light, it is within all of us the power to shine and someone who tries to dull you... well that person has lost their sparkle and wants some of yours. Let them go. Say goodbye.. And let them go find their own sparkle.

To my magical friends, family and everyone reading this- may you always have your sparkle... and may you have a beautiful holiday season. With love and light.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Love me till I am me again

It is so easy to love anyone when they are on top form- when they are happy and light and fun. When friends or family are going through good times- everyone wants to be around. Support is so easy when people are lovely and loving. But what about the down times?

Who feels like being around someone when they are lacking energy, when they are not the life of the party, when they are boring, when they are sad? When they are negative? And lets be honest, we all feel like that sometimes in life. 

When your partner is warm and loving- everything is amazing and of course you want to spend every moment with them. But what about if they go through something? What about when they are depressed? Do you want to sit home in bed with them and mope or do you rush somewhere else to be far removed from their pain- waiting for their old self to surface. And if their old self takes too long to come back- do you find someone else- someone bubbly and joyous?

Love. The very definition to me is that. That even when you are not on top form, even when you are 10 kilos overweight or feeling depressed, or having sleepless nights from anxiety--- your partner stands by you. He or she stays home with you and holds your hand and doesn't push you to "snap out of it". Love means sticking around even when things turn shitty... because they do turn around, and they do turn good again. 

My prayer, for my friends, my family, and for every beautiful soul reading this- is to have that love. To have that someone in your life that sticks around even when the real you has left the building. That stands by you until you- are you again. 

With love and light. 

Monday, 9 December 2013

Making Sense of your Senses?

Every day is a new day. A day with happiness, stresses, complications, people, work, new things, old things-changes. Things are sometimes running smoothly, beautifully- and then in an instant you are swiped with something you never expected- an event that totally pushes you off course. And then things are not so good.
And you work through it, and you feel things that are not so great. You cry, maybe you get angry. And then just in the same breath, things are going terribly- life feels like it is crumbling... and like magic something comes along and changes everything around and you are on top of the world.

It's a cliche, but such is life. You do your best, and you live each day the best way you can- in your current capacity. And things happen out of your control and you do your best in that capacity.
You feel- you laugh, you cry- you build yourself up and sometimes you fall to pieces.
And we all try, and I try, to just be grateful every day for the good things.

And yes, days will come when being grateful for anything seems impossible. That is okay too.
When I have such a day, I find myself spending a lot of time feeling guilty that I am unable to see that silver lining- unable to say a thank you or push through a smile. But it happens, right? I need to convince myself about that a lot. Shit happens.

No one's life is perfect- it may look perfect on the outside--- you may look at other's lives and say wow they have everything together. Why don't I? Don't be fooled by smoke and mirrors... don't be jealous of other's-there is no way of understanding or knowing their journey.

I have learnt, the only thing you can do- is live your journey. The good, the bad and damn ugly. Be true to yourself, be true to your instincts and your gut--- and look inside---- close your eyes to looking outside.
Your journey is so personal, so fit for you, and looking at other's live's will not help you understand your own, it will only confuse you further.

So with the biggest love and light, I take a deep breath and say "This is my journey, I own it, its mine to live and love and laugh and cry".