Thursday, 7 November 2013

Its okay to not be okay

I pride myself on being a positive person, a go-with-the-flow type of person, even tempered and difficult to rattle. Tuesday afternoon I found myself sitting on the couch, staring out the window with my two cats and crying uncontrollably. Not only was I feeling beaten, miserable and angry- the frustration at myself for feeling those things was even worse.

I spend hours daily meditating, praying, lighting candles, holding crystals, saying affirmations, breathing and focusing on happy thoughts. How could I be lying in a ball crying like a baby, and totally incapacitated.

Let me fast forward to a few days before this. Peri and I moved last Thursday to a new home together for the first time. A home all of our own, beautiful beginning and a shift in our relationship. Beautiful, right? Nothing to worry about, right? After four days of carrying boxes, furniture being moved, unpacking- finding a few moments between that to drink a glass of wine (in Peri's case a bottle of tequila) and late night pizza (in Peri's case 12 cupcakes at 3am)- we were upbeat. No fights, united in our new home.

My cat Rumplestilskin, heartsong of my life, was introduced to our new kitten Shanti. Not a great start- hello from Rumples was a hiss and a smack in the face. Rumples proceeded to climb onto the highest shelf he could find and spend two days there. After day 2, he came down, hissed at Shanti- hit her in the face- and then they proceeded with some form of blossoming friendship (by this I mean he chased her, watched her play with pieces of paper with utmost joy, she stole his food and they slept on the same couch. However when it came to bedtime and he saw Shanti sleeping on my tummy, his usual spot, he looked at us both with utter disdain, he turned his back and walked away).

A few boxes unpacked, a bit of dust and a dirty floor. Then the electricity went off in our new complex- and the beautiful fridge I had filled with groceries that morning, was off- along with the groceries.  The few boxes that remained unpacked started haunting me. The cats not yet best friends began upsetting me and the forlorn look on my Rumples face broke my heart. And then... Peri left the bed unmade with his clothing sprawled on the floor. The battery on my phone died, and with no electricity I couldn't charge it (in this state of panic it didnt cross my mind to drive to my mom and charge my phone). From 2pm until 7pm at night I sat by the window, uncontactable, miserable and teary eyed. What have I done I cried?! I don't want to live in mess, I don't want Rumples to be unhappy, I don't want responsibilities? I felt totally out of control- which is a very uncommon feeling for me. Peri had lectures that night so he was only home at 9pm, so as it got dark, I managed to move myself to the bed and get ready to shut my eyes.

7.30pm I hear a voice calling my name outside. I thought I had really lost it. The voice carried on. I ran downstairs and waiting outside was my friend Hayley. Peri had messaged her to please check I was okay. This was the voice of mother Theresa for me at this moment. As I re-hashed my terrible day to Hayley, the panic, the insane anxiety- I realised that almost a week of stress and what are normal feelings of anguish had been totally ignored and they had come back to haunt me (okay maybe not just a week). That moving house is stressful, moving in with your partner is stressful, moving your animals is stressful, introducing new animals is stressful and then not having electricity is stressful. Buying a home is scary, even if it is with someone you love with your soul.

But you know what? I have a boyfriend that sent someone to come check I was okay. I have a friend that cared enough to do it. The next day my aunt and her two helpers came to assist with final unpacking of house and cleaning and by the end of day it looked magnificent- like a home. What a special aunt! Rumples and Shanti are getting on better every day.

As I start this new and responsible journey of my life, I realise that I had a bad day, and that I will have more bad days- but that I have a support system of people that love me and that well... sometimes shit happens and all you can do is smile and march on!