ebb and flow: to decrease and then increase, as with tides; a decrease followed by an increase
Life has its music and its silences. There are leavings and comings, hello's and goodbyes. Moments of being awake and times when we are resting.
I was at my mother's house over the weekend and I came across a picture of myself when I was 21. Skinny. Gorgeous. Tanned. Blond. Short skirted, fanciful and totally and utterly filled with fear. Scared of myself, scared of where the world would take me. I remember the day that photo was taken. I was going to a dress up party with the theme "what not to wear". I had gotten a pink mini skirt, a pink barbie top, pink earrings, pink eye shadow- and the same pink ensemble for Tatum to wear. Looking back at the picture I cannot believe how thin and gorgeous- and YOUNG I was. But that day I remember wishing I was thinner and feeling totally insecure. I remember just wanting a good boyfriend. I was so skinny at the time because I was recovering from a particularly painful break up that had crushed my self esteem and made me doubt my sense of self. I was complex, complicated and totally vulnerable.
So yes, when I looked at that photo I did make my entire family have a moment of silence for the amazing skinniness that I now yearn for.... but... well.... did it make me happy? No. Almost ten years later, and more than 10 kilos later, I am no longer waif like (chubby sexy is term I like to use). And yes I would love to look like that former 21 year old girl... but instead of spending those 10 years primping, preening and beautifying, I spent them learning to love myself.
I have spent 10 years fighting my fears, delving into my demons, building a career, manifesting dreams and loving. Truly and utterly loving. I met the love of my soul Peri. I found my heartsong cats Rumples and Shanti that every day bring me joy. I worked on my friendships daily, and still do. I spent precious moments eating huge unhealthy meals with family and friends and making memories.
And so, with the ebb and flow of life- there are times we are skinny and times we are not. Times we are fearful and then times we climb mountains. So go forth... climb your mountains, love with your heart and soul and let go of all those former selves- they have had their time and place.
With love and light always