Well, it is not to say that I haven't loved Peri for the past year and a half, and I knew from our very first date there was something there- some connection that words could not explain and just existed. I have always loved his kindness, his love for all things and his passionate response to things around him. But this weekend I fell in love with him in a different way. It's strange for me, and I guess for many people, because you see love as this instant thing- this immediate reaction and total belief that this is the person you will share the rest of your life with and there is never any doubt.
I think when you are 30, as I am, you are a bit more jaded, cautious- not so quick to just fall into love and give of yourself. They always say the first love is the best love because you never think it will end.. that love before you know about life and its turmoil. But that is not true- the best love is love that lasts. The best love is love that grows and gets better. Not one that starts on a high of joy that cannot be sustained. Love that starts.. and grows and grows...
So we went away this weekend to a lodge in Rustenburg- not very exciting, right? But my Peri makes an adventure out of everything. This weekend I realised how in love I am with that aspect of him. On the way to our destination a tired looking beggar was selling a chameleon he had found- Peri swerved to the side of road and insisted on buying it. He feared for the destiny of this chameleon if he did not rescue it... and promised it a very good home. Then there was the journey to the pet shop- crickets to get for food- a home for chameleon (now referred to as Rusty)- and no I am not yet ready to call him mine. His love and appreciation- and total dedication and care of something he felt affected by- just made me fall head of heals.
We go lie by the pool, relaxing, joyous- and when I see insects alive, battling to survive in the pool- I am not scared or revolted- I pick them up and take them out the pool. This may sound ridiculous, but how could you leave the that living creature to suffer and die? That love and care of all things living- well I learnt from Peri. Two years ago I wouldn't even touch an ant. Second thing that made me feel totally head over heals.
And then, we at the pool- he is lying on a lilo.. its a lovely place, simple. Nothing much to do- and he is utterly filled with joy to just lie there in the sun and appreciate his surroundings. So embracing of the moment, so peaceful. Happy. In the moment. Something that I find so hard to do. Since I have known Peri it is something I slowly learn to do, to just have fun where you are- to appreciate a lilo, a hot summers day- a chameleon.
So for so long, I saw myself as this emotionally evolved human, open to life- loving of all, appreciating small things. And no, I have to admit to myself, when I watch Peri, I am not. For all the times I have thought Peri was not as emotionally evolved as me, or any man, well.. this i not the truth.
Peri appreciates every little small thing, he gives to things around him with an open heart and expectation of nothing in return and he appreciates life- the life of every living creature- even those that we just see as "bugs". I looked at this man today and knew that the gut feeling I had on our first date was so right- was leading me somewhere. A life of adventure, a life of loving and giving and a life of appreciation.
I thank Hashem (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_of_God_in_Judaism) for giving what I needed.... and what I asked for. Someone who made my life meaningful. Someone who challenges me every day.
We are driving to the shops- I have no makeup on, hair is untamed. Clip holding fringe up--and Peri looks at me will all seriousness "That is how your hair looks beautiful". And then I thought for the forth time this day, how amazing is that? Someone who sees you at what you think is your worst, and they think it is your best.
Our relationship has been by no means easy or simple- neither of us are easy or simple. There has been many downs, many things happen that has shattered us both... but I see now with retrospect that I am right now, exactly where I need to be.
I just wanted to share this special thing in my life, because well, sometimes we are so hard on ourselves. When relationships are not perfect, or there are downs- up, changes- we think it is hard- we think it is not right.... but sometimes... sometimes...... the best part is yet to come.
I pray for all of you to have a love that only grows with love... and time... and that you can appreciate all the small things (goes for me too), and live in the now. With love and light always xoxo