It's my sparkle and you can't have it

The past few weeks have been a little dark and lacking their usual shine. You know when everything feels dull and miserable. Even the flowers in my garden had all died. And then, as hard as I looked I could not find my sparkle. I like my sparkle. It felt like this dark cloud was following me everywhere and nothing I did made it go away. What happens when you cannot find your sparkle? Well getting up in the morning feels like an effort, making small talk is torture, smiling is hard, you find it hard to get excited about anything and you just feel blah. You look in the mirror and your reflection is not really you. 

And then I woke up this morning and the flowers in my garden had grown back. I felt a tiny bit of my sparkle calling out. The flowers have come back! There is hope. The dishes in the sink I was dreading to clean and been cleaned by Peri (turns out I did actually clean it myself but didn't remember).. another thing that happens when you don't have your sparkle- you forget things. 

But still, the flowers were there. And there was a feeling of hope inside of me- that usual feeling that I can march on and do almost anything... coming back slowly... and I guess yes, it will take time for it to come back completely. 

I came to thinking, can you permanently lose your sparkle? Can someone, something or some occurrence steal it from you- and never give it back?

Can you have a dark cloud lingering over you always. Yes I have met people who seem to, but I don't believe it can ever be lost. 

You need to work on keeping it. Work on being positive and happy... And sometimes it feels impossible.

I've felt it. The past week the dread of getting out of bed, the dread of working, of making small talk- of smiling. The loss of hope that things will shine again. Scared that my sparkle was really gone forever and dulled by the darkness surrounding me. 

But a flower re-blooms... And wounds heal... And you call your sparkle back. Light your incense or candles, or put on your special music, dance alone with no inhibition. Pray, meditate- we all have different ways of connecting with our inner sparkle.. But never let it go. And never let someone else be responsible for dulling it. Never.

I've learnt that. I guess the hard way, or the easy way because I learnt it. Another human cannot stand in your light, it is within all of us the power to shine and someone who tries to dull you... well that person has lost their sparkle and wants some of yours. Let them go. Say goodbye.. And let them go find their own sparkle.

To my magical friends, family and everyone reading this- may you always have your sparkle... and may you have a beautiful holiday season. With love and light.

Love me till I am me again

It is so easy to love anyone when they are on top form- when they are happy and light and fun. When friends or family are going through good times- everyone wants to be around. Support is so easy when people are lovely and loving. But what about the down times?

Who feels like being around someone when they are lacking energy, when they are not the life of the party, when they are boring, when they are sad? When they are negative? And lets be honest, we all feel like that sometimes in life. 

When your partner is warm and loving- everything is amazing and of course you want to spend every moment with them. But what about if they go through something? What about when they are depressed? Do you want to sit home in bed with them and mope or do you rush somewhere else to be far removed from their pain- waiting for their old self to surface. And if their old self takes too long to come back- do you find someone else- someone bubbly and joyous?

Love. The very definition to me is that. That even when you are not on top form, even when you are 10 kilos overweight or feeling depressed, or having sleepless nights from anxiety--- your partner stands by you. He or she stays home with you and holds your hand and doesn't push you to "snap out of it". Love means sticking around even when things turn shitty... because they do turn around, and they do turn good again. 

My prayer, for my friends, my family, and for every beautiful soul reading this- is to have that love. To have that someone in your life that sticks around even when the real you has left the building. That stands by you until you- are you again. 

With love and light. 

Making Sense of your Senses?

Every day is a new day. A day with happiness, stresses, complications, people, work, new things, old things-changes. Things are sometimes running smoothly, beautifully- and then in an instant you are swiped with something you never expected- an event that totally pushes you off course. And then things are not so good.
And you work through it, and you feel things that are not so great. You cry, maybe you get angry. And then just in the same breath, things are going terribly- life feels like it is crumbling... and like magic something comes along and changes everything around and you are on top of the world.

It's a cliche, but such is life. You do your best, and you live each day the best way you can- in your current capacity. And things happen out of your control and you do your best in that capacity.
You feel- you laugh, you cry- you build yourself up and sometimes you fall to pieces.
And we all try, and I try, to just be grateful every day for the good things.

And yes, days will come when being grateful for anything seems impossible. That is okay too.
When I have such a day, I find myself spending a lot of time feeling guilty that I am unable to see that silver lining- unable to say a thank you or push through a smile. But it happens, right? I need to convince myself about that a lot. Shit happens.

No one's life is perfect- it may look perfect on the outside--- you may look at other's lives and say wow they have everything together. Why don't I? Don't be fooled by smoke and mirrors... don't be jealous of other's-there is no way of understanding or knowing their journey.

I have learnt, the only thing you can do- is live your journey. The good, the bad and damn ugly. Be true to yourself, be true to your instincts and your gut--- and look inside---- close your eyes to looking outside.
Your journey is so personal, so fit for you, and looking at other's live's will not help you understand your own, it will only confuse you further.

So with the biggest love and light, I take a deep breath and say "This is my journey, I own it, its mine to live and love and laugh and cry".

Does it Make You Happy?

So, the boxes are still sitting in our lounge unpacked. I did not complete my to-do list at home or work this weekend. Anxiety levels, well, are anxious. But today a loved one starts their first chemo therapy session. Wikipedia explains Chemo like this "raditional chemotherapeutic agents act by killing cells that divide rapidly, one of the main properties of most cancer cells. This means that chemotherapy also harms cells that divide rapidly under normal circumstances: cells in the bone marrow, digestive tract, and hair follicles."
I hear the word killing. That is what chemo does- it runs through your body killing everything in site all for a good purpose, a goal that is worthwhile, a goal for life, and health.
And so, yes my silly neurosis about being tidy, my obsession with lists and organisation are just plain silly. With a sad heart and a hopeful eye- I realise once again that my inability to often just live in the moment is a far bigger problem. As my prayer for my loved one to heal quickly from the chemo I shall dedicate time- even if just a few moments in a day- to living in the now. Letting go of the anxiety over things that are not in my control and things that are just plain silly.
I shall live. Live now.
Because really, this world is a beautiful blessed place and being grateful for every grain of grass is important. I have read the books on gratitude, done the exercise- and yes it does work. But you need to carry on doing it, daily. You cannot slip backwards- you have to stop complaining and hanging onto the negative things. I need to stop complaining. And yes Thank G-d for my health. Health keeps us all going. And thank G-d for my beautiful family and friends. Thank G-d for my job. Thank G-d for my Peri. 
And with all the big beautiful blessings, it is so important to say thanks for the smaller things. A glass of water, a morning with no traffic, sunshine in the sky, being able to function and be in this world with an open heart and mind. 

It will all be okay. And things change, up and down, and this too shall pass. And I pray with my heart and soul for my loved one- and dedicate living in now to him. A beautiful, angel of a person that has the most beautiful open heart, generous nature and wisest words. His best saying "Does it make you happy? Well then do it". With love and light.

Who Decides What is Fashionable?

Hobo Chic. The term was sister has coined to refer to my style of dress. The other day I arrived at a family function and my sister was deeply concerned by my outfit of stockings (on a hot summers day) a t-shirt, flat shoes, lack of makeup and what I like to call natural hair flair. "Mary", she said (why she calls me Mary is a story for another day), "What are you wearing? Is everything okay?". Everything was okay, I had just pulled a mixture of clothing from my cupboard that was comfortable, I did not get a chance to blow-dry my hair and well the makeup had faded. This is not the first time my sister has expressed concern at my dress sense. Now my sister loves shopping. She always has the most beautiful shoes, dresses and latest fashion items. Everyone season she hands over bags of last seasons clothing to me and my sister-in-law Bianca. We love this and get amazing use of our hand-me-down items.

It is not that I do not love fashion- I love beautiful clothing and shoes. It is not that I do not love having my hair done and impeccable nails- it is just that I love other things so much more. Comfort for one. Slip slops are comfortable. Reading for another instead of taking those 45 minutes to blow-dry my hair. Spending sundays relaxing instead of crammed into a busy boisterous shopping centre looking at clothing. And so, I make do with my hobo chic style and feel happy with it. Today for example my sister would be unimpressed. I am wearing a pair of hand-me-down pants of hers- that she handed over about 6 years ago, shoes I bought in London 8 years ago that are good for your feet, a hand-me-down top of hers that is about 3 years old and yes- natural hair.

With fashion is there a right or wrong? Yes I know that a fashion guru somewhere around the world will decide the colour for summer and the world will follow, and I know that some things are really out of fashion because someone said so- and that at the moment I think skulls are the in thing? I think? or was that last season? But me, well I love wearing things that flow, things that make me feel comfortable and natural. I love dressing up in my way- I love my crystal jewellery and how it makes me feel and I don't really care that it doesn't match the rest of my outfit. I love red lipstick and wearing that makes me feel beautiful. I have been known to sometimes leave the house without makeup (Yes-shock- horror) and there is no item of clothing I could love more than my favourite pajamas.

We all wear what we love and what makes us feel good. When we are teenagers there is so much pressure to conform and to wear what is in fashion- we often don't think about what is our fashion. Now, as a lady in her 30's (WOW) I am finding my own fashion style, slowly. It will take a while, and sometimes I do cave to a fashion trend just because, well I do love it. I do own ridiculously high shoes that whenever I wear them my feet suffer but I still wear them. And I will continue to cherish the bags of clothing my sister hands over to me every season- because after-all I remain a girly girl that loves a new item to strut around in!

May you all find your style and may you know that is yours and that it is okay to wear things, because they are in fashion and because you love them but it is also okay to sometimes leave the house with no makeup and in your slippers!

With love and light.

Set in my ways, but not forever

I love being organised, I live and breath organisation. Making lists gives me a high. I can make lists of lists. I have to do lists, of to do lists. No I do not suffer from a mental illness and no I do not think this is strange- it may just be highly annoying for those close to me. After much thought and introspection I do realise the constant organising is my way of feeling in control- having plans for plans and back-up plans. Having painkillers, a tape measure and a bottle opener in my bag help me to feel calm. I have everything I may need at any given  moment. And my schedule, well my schedule is planned to the second. Weeks in advance I have made my dinner arrangements with friends and coffee plans. I know that in three months I must buy a new mascara- I have reminders and lists for things like this. I know on my plans for Saturday in three months time.

And then I met Peri.

Before our first date, I asked what time it would be- he said he would call me in the day and let me know. I felt panic grip me- he would let me know that day? That was the start to the chaos entering my life. Unplanned nights out drinking wine till 3am- that were not in my calendar. Going on unplanned shopping sprees, driving to Benoni at 8pm at night to get a kitten from the back of someone's car and buying a house together because our hearts just knew it was meant to be our home.

It has been with much difficulty and some sadness that I have had to let go of controlling everything. Firstly, I cannot control Peri's habits. If he decides at 7pm he wants to go for dinner (when I had bought chicken already to make for dinner)- I go with it. I cannot control he fact that he is not as tidy as me- that he leaves glasses everywhere in the house he goes and that he doesnt have schedule's of schedules. I can send him meeting requests for my scheduled events- which he accepts and I am sure it took him a while to come to terms with my trying to organise every second of every day. We have met half way.. truthfully some-days I meet him 80 percent of the way, and sometimes he comes 80 percent my way. Meeting half way all the time is hard.

Yesterday, for example, we had a friend's 30th. In my world I had scheduled- shop in morning for household goods, go to 30th Lunch, come home and unpack household goods and Peri to unpack last boxes of his, afternoon nap, watch 8pm movie on TV, early night before work.
In reality this is what happened- rushed shop, rushed to drop items at home- late for friend's birthday, home- Peri's friends arrived for drinks and snacks- fast forward 5 hours later and they are still there drinking and snacking and at this point we have gotten dinner. Nothing unpacked, nothing been organised and no early night. And guess what, the reality was fun- was light-hearted and brought laughter and love into my life. So my plans were destroyed, I had survived it.

And Peri, Peri has learnt to accept my meeting requests with well, acceptance. He has learnt that I love to be organised and he tries to put his clothes in the washing basket instead of on the floor. He secretly loves to write lists and tick things off and I secretly love to do things last minute and unplanned- there is something fun in not planning fun, right?

Yes it is possible to change, maybe it is not change, its compromise. But compromise implies you are giving up something and really- I have not given up my joy of organising, I have just learnt to appreciate another way of doing things.

With love and light... Embrace your idiosyncrasies but do let some room in for change.

Its okay to not be okay

I pride myself on being a positive person, a go-with-the-flow type of person, even tempered and difficult to rattle. Tuesday afternoon I found myself sitting on the couch, staring out the window with my two cats and crying uncontrollably. Not only was I feeling beaten, miserable and angry- the frustration at myself for feeling those things was even worse.

I spend hours daily meditating, praying, lighting candles, holding crystals, saying affirmations, breathing and focusing on happy thoughts. How could I be lying in a ball crying like a baby, and totally incapacitated.

Let me fast forward to a few days before this. Peri and I moved last Thursday to a new home together for the first time. A home all of our own, beautiful beginning and a shift in our relationship. Beautiful, right? Nothing to worry about, right? After four days of carrying boxes, furniture being moved, unpacking- finding a few moments between that to drink a glass of wine (in Peri's case a bottle of tequila) and late night pizza (in Peri's case 12 cupcakes at 3am)- we were upbeat. No fights, united in our new home.

My cat Rumplestilskin, heartsong of my life, was introduced to our new kitten Shanti. Not a great start- hello from Rumples was a hiss and a smack in the face. Rumples proceeded to climb onto the highest shelf he could find and spend two days there. After day 2, he came down, hissed at Shanti- hit her in the face- and then they proceeded with some form of blossoming friendship (by this I mean he chased her, watched her play with pieces of paper with utmost joy, she stole his food and they slept on the same couch. However when it came to bedtime and he saw Shanti sleeping on my tummy, his usual spot, he looked at us both with utter disdain, he turned his back and walked away).

A few boxes unpacked, a bit of dust and a dirty floor. Then the electricity went off in our new complex- and the beautiful fridge I had filled with groceries that morning, was off- along with the groceries.  The few boxes that remained unpacked started haunting me. The cats not yet best friends began upsetting me and the forlorn look on my Rumples face broke my heart. And then... Peri left the bed unmade with his clothing sprawled on the floor. The battery on my phone died, and with no electricity I couldn't charge it (in this state of panic it didnt cross my mind to drive to my mom and charge my phone). From 2pm until 7pm at night I sat by the window, uncontactable, miserable and teary eyed. What have I done I cried?! I don't want to live in mess, I don't want Rumples to be unhappy, I don't want responsibilities? I felt totally out of control- which is a very uncommon feeling for me. Peri had lectures that night so he was only home at 9pm, so as it got dark, I managed to move myself to the bed and get ready to shut my eyes.

7.30pm I hear a voice calling my name outside. I thought I had really lost it. The voice carried on. I ran downstairs and waiting outside was my friend Hayley. Peri had messaged her to please check I was okay. This was the voice of mother Theresa for me at this moment. As I re-hashed my terrible day to Hayley, the panic, the insane anxiety- I realised that almost a week of stress and what are normal feelings of anguish had been totally ignored and they had come back to haunt me (okay maybe not just a week). That moving house is stressful, moving in with your partner is stressful, moving your animals is stressful, introducing new animals is stressful and then not having electricity is stressful. Buying a home is scary, even if it is with someone you love with your soul.

But you know what? I have a boyfriend that sent someone to come check I was okay. I have a friend that cared enough to do it. The next day my aunt and her two helpers came to assist with final unpacking of house and cleaning and by the end of day it looked magnificent- like a home. What a special aunt! Rumples and Shanti are getting on better every day.

As I start this new and responsible journey of my life, I realise that I had a bad day, and that I will have more bad days- but that I have a support system of people that love me and that well... sometimes shit happens and all you can do is smile and march on!